what now?
dusting off this blog again because i want to write something less formal
something that isn't an essay, half-assed literary discussion, or other classwork that i've kinda felt detached from in the past couple months
wrote a couple poems in the interim, most that haven't seen the light of day outside of workshopping, besides one that i did for a writing challenge one of my profs told my class about that actually managed to get published. was proud of that when it happened. still need to rake through the archives to see what i want saved here.
fighting against the reflex to just wipe everything from this site and start over again, but i think that's just part of the experience of being someone who makes things. i think i've spent the past couple years with this website making myself out to be this kinda weird, sad, and stagnant individual when i've honestly been so much better than i've felt like i've been since april.
a good metaphor for it i've found is that i kinda felt like i've been wading through life in completely waterlogged clothes, and i only recently just started peeling away the layers and drying off. everything feels much lighter than it used to be! but at the same time, i'm having to puzzle out how this whole "existing" thing is meant to go, how i want to define myself and live for my passions. it's harder to do so now that i've departed from the structures that allowed me to engage with them seriously in a place with people like me, but i know that's something you have to pursue yourself if you don't want to stagnate.
that's kinda the question i've been asking myself now that i've made it this far. "what now?"
i know "what now" means "the rest of your life," in the sense that in the coming days i'm gonna have to push myself further than i thought i'd ever go when i was younger, be that person i want to be, but god if there weren't that fear. god if there always hasn't been fear. i can say something about fear, though, some juvenile i'm-13-and-this-is-deep kinda stuff that's just me being as honest as i can be at this exact moment.
i can handle fear. fear isn't something that defines, it's something that confines. it's something to work past, proceed in spite of. when i ask myself "what now?" it really means: "what's next?"
and my answer? everything, one step at a time.